The constant in times of change

Your journal prompts this week:

What is my usual approach and attitude toward change, and how do I feel about that?

What is hardest for me to manage or understand in times of change?

What is comforting to me in times of change?

How can I be my own anchor or support system in the midst of big changes?

In the last year, I have given birth to a baby, moved to a new state, started two podcasts, and changed the way I operate my business. This may be some of the most change I've experienced within a short period of time.

I've also had to get used to having little to no personal, consistent routines now that I have a baby. I've realized in these first eight months of her life that as soon as you think you have a loose routine forming, it all changes. She enters a new developmental phase that switches everything around, and I find myself scrambling to adjust.

I miss the days when things were more predictable, when I had more control over my own time. And I look back fondly on the days when I really knew the neighborhood I lived in and where to go for everything I needed. I even sometimes miss the days when I had a predictable income, at least until I remember the hidden costs that came with that.

When I look at all of these changes, I see myself riding a wild wave, trying to stay afloat. But even when it feels at its most chaotic, I am still there, holding myself steady and encouraging myself to flow.

Sometimes I do fear losing myself, especially in the ups and downs and big waves of motherhood. But that's why I need to count on myself even more, that's why I need to trust that underneath it all, I'm still here. I'm still creating. I'm still being me.

Everything around me might look different or I might constantly be in a state of transition, and sometimes others might not see or recognize me. Sometimes my voice might get quieter simply because it needs some rest. But I will always come back, and that is a promise I've made to myself.

I've realized that, in the midst of change, I am the constant. I have myself to hold me steady. I'm still me, and if I can remain true to myself in the midst of all this change, that is all the anchor I need.

This is not to say that I don't expect myself to change in this process. I assume I will grow and evolve significantly, but the essence of who I am—that will always be my stability.

The challenge is to continue to love myself through it.  And I'd like to think I've done a pretty good job of this so far, but there were certainly moments of doubt and frustration. There have been moments crying in the middle of the night, moments when I've had to shut down to push through, moments when I've had to say "No" when I was afraid to, and moments when I've said "Yes" before I was ready.

You can more clearly see both the light and shadow in yourself in these times, and I'm learning to be kinder to my shadows. Our shadows are often buried in so much shame, but that's why it's important to do the work to understand them, to not throw the harsh light on them, but a gentle one.

One of the biggest rewards of this time is that I've begun to really believe in and understand myself in a way that I never have before. Truly, I'm learning to regulate myself so I can ride these waves. It's lonely and scary and loving and freeing all at the same time. And eventually, I know these waves will steady and the changes won't feel quite so extreme. At some point, there will be a little bit of rest, and hopefully I can look back on this time and be proud of just how much I learned and grew.

I'm not sure if I'm making much sense with all of this, but at this point, I'm going on the feelings that this level of change has brought for me, and I feel the need to share them. The one thing I know for sure in all of this is that I can count on me to get me through it.

I invite you to explore your own relationship with change and how you are the constant in it all. How can you be your own steady rock, your own safe space, your own parent and nurturer?

Please feel free to share any reflections in the comments below. And if you’d like, I will pull an Oracle or Tarot card to offer you additional insight, just let me know you’d like to receive a message in your comment.

With much love and gratitude,

Marcy