Your journal prompts this week:
What positive and negative associations do I have with the idea of being part of a team?
What teams have I been a part of over the years, and what did I learn from those experiences?
How did I feel about teams when I was the leader, and what did I learn from those experiences?
How would I like to approach the idea of working with others, based on what I've learned from my past team experiences?
Whenever we're watching a reality show competition, my husband and I cringe every time they say, "This will be a team challenge." We know when those words come out, it's going to be a hot mess. And you can almost always pinpoint who the most difficult people will be. Even when a team comes out on top and they all say they worked together so well, you know they find that easier to say because what they did luckily turned out good.
This always leads into a discussion with my husband about how team projects in school were the worst, and why did anyone ever make us do those? For me, taking on the "smart kid" identity through most of my years in school led me to be the one who did most of the work in a team project. At first, I liked being the one everyone looked to. But eventually I became frustrated that others weren't doing their part.
Fortunately those projects were brief moments in time when I was in school. But unfortunately, the team project spirit carries well beyond high school, into the workplace and even now in my life as a freelancer.
It seems to be the trend right now for everyone to want a team. "Well, I could get all of this done, I could build my grand vision, if I just had a team." And there are coaches and business experts out there who promote the idea that delegating and getting a team is the true path to business success.
I feel like an outlier in saying that I am a business owner who has no desire to ever manage a team. And I think I'm the only person I've heard say that, so naturally, I've started to explore why . . . and investigate whether this means there's something wrong with me or that I'm a "bad" business person doomed to mediocrity because I can't hand things over to other people.
The funny thing about this is that I really do like to talk to other people and collaborate. I actually like to network and discuss ideas. But I also know that I don't like being told what to do, and sometimes, when I get too much input or input that feels off, I can spiral into a place where I get stuck and do nothing at all. For me, it is very important to strike the right balance and to have boundaries.
But there's something else that bothers me about teams, and that's that teams have natural hierarchies. There's a coach or a leader, and then each person beneath them plays a specific role, all the way down to the people "on the bench." Generally, these team members aren't supposed to step out of their particular role unless specifically called upon or asked to. And when it comes to work, my experience with this type of hierarchy has felt stifling.
Many years ago, I interned for a woman who had a startup, and I was unpaid. She kept promising to bring me on the "team" and pay me, and even told people in casual conversation that she viewed me as almost like a co-founder. But when it came time to pay me and give me a contract, it was for very little money to start, and I had to sign away the rights to everything I wrote for her company to her. Apparently being part of her team meant she owned everything I did, and I would not be adequately compensated for it, even after months of working for free. Not surprisingly, I pushed back a bit, and she implied I was not committed enough to her business. So I quit.
Now that I am a freelance service provider, people ask me regularly to be part of their teams, or they say they consider me to be a part of their teams. When they say this, a little bit of resistance rises up inside of me, and sometimes, a little bit of panic. Clearly, the word "team" is a triggering one for me based on my past experiences, but then there's also this feeling of being a little bit trapped or boxed in. Now that I am part of "the team," this means people are relying on me to do a specific thing, and what if I eventually don't really want to do that thing? What if I'd rather take a break and go do something else? What if I want to do something differently, but now I can't, because they've come to expect this one specific thing from me?
And then there's also the fact that it makes me feel like I have a boss again, which is why I don't have a traditional job to begin with, because, as I said, every team has a leader. And every time I become part of a new "team," I am not the leader. I am the behind-the-scenes person who is never really part of the main show, even though I help the main show run smoothly. I am never quite viewed as equal to the leader or leaders of the team, I'm always on the periphery—it's a little like a clique that I can never break into. The people in the clique like me, but not enough to bring me into the inner circle.
For a long time now, I've grappled with whether I just have too big of an ego and need to chill out. It's good to be a team member who makes things run smoothly. Everyone needs a good team member, being one is valuable. You don't always have to be on stage, part of the main show.
This is all true, but I think my resistance and frustration points to something more. I think I've been a "good" team member so long that I've forgotten how to lead . . . or perhaps I never learned how? Either way, I've suppressed my inner leader. I've ignored the fact that sometimes I want to be the main character—not the best friend, not the sidekick. I've done plenty of that in my life and can call myself an expert in it. Now it is time for something different. It's time to admit that I want to be the leader. And as the leader, I can choose whether or not I want a team of my own, and I can stand confidently in that choice.
Instead of being part of a "team," I prefer now to seek out opportunities where I can be a mentor, a consultant, a collaborator, or a partner. And if I ever build anything resembling a team, it will take on a structure more aligned with collaboration and community. I 100% believe in calling in other people who are experts in what they do . . . and then letting them do their thing, without me hovering or asking them to conform to my way of operating. I know I never like to be told what to do, so I think a lot of my fear in having a team is not wanting to even be tempted to become that person who tells someone how I think they should do their job. And I don't want people I work with to ever feel like I'm somehow above them. We all have our strengths and our parts to play, and we are each leaders in those spaces—if we allow each other to be.
You might say this is a very idealistic, typical Pisces view of how the world could work, but I really don't think it's that much of a stretch for me to someday create the type of collaborative environment I'd want to be a part of. It's as simple as letting each person be who they are and own that. The tricky part is that we've all been conditioned to be parts of teams where we can't fully be who we are, where we don't have ownership over what we do, and so we've simply forgotten how to truly be ourselves in a team context.
I know the term "team" isn't going anywhere, so I will also work on not being so triggered by that word. That will start with mentally replacing it in my mind with one of those other words I prefer, such as collaboration or partnership. It will be like when I was in labor at the hospital and every nurse kept saying "contraction" and "pain scale," and in my head I had to convert those terms to the hypnobirthing terms of "surge" and "level of comfort." If I could make those conversions in that setting, I can certainly do it elsewhere in another (less intense) context.
I applaud any of you out there who truly like team projects because that means you've likely already learned to balance your needs with those of others. And if you are a team leader, let this be a gentle reminder to make sure the other members of the team also feel valued and have their own opportunities to shine—and not just as a sidekick. If you want someone to stick around long-term and treat your thing like it's their own, then let them truly have a part of it. Let them lead in their own space and in their own way.
I encourage you to explore your experience with teams—as a team member or leader—with the above journal prompts. And please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences with teams below. I am so curious to see if anyone else has struggled with this, and what you’ve done to help yourself be more of a “team player.”
Also, while this essay was all about my complicated relationship with teams, I am very much open to collaboration, including here on Substack! Soon I will be setting up a process to accept guest posts. So if you want to share any creative work that came out of your journal prompts, or if you want to create and share some journal prompts of your own, I’d love to have you as a guest contributor. More to come soon!
And finally, looking for some ideas on how you can improve your experience as a team leader or team member? If you reply or leave a comment below, I will pull an Oracle or Tarot card to offer you additional insight!
With much love and gratitude,
Marcy
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